minister turns atheist dot org

This portion of my site is dedicated to making religion and church worth something
again -- laughter! Since religion's not going away anytime soon, we may as well
buck up, sit tight, and laugh at the idiocy it brings us!

Here are some real church bloopers and stupors! The following materials
really appeared in church bulletins, sermons, prayers, books, tracts, or on
Broadcasts! I came across them years back, either from church bulletins I received,
or from other materials that made these errors public, though a good number of
them I actually heard myself!


BULLETIN BLOOPERS

- "Thank you, dead friends."

- "Tonight, the Power of Christ Self-esteem Class will held in the far wing of the
auditorium: attendants please enter through the back door."

- "Due to Bro. Derrick's illness, the healing service will be cancelled for tonight."

- "Scouts are saving cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. The proceeds
will be used to help cripple children."

- "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 members to help those not afflicted by
any church."

- "Minister Evans is on vacation: massages can be given to the secretary."

- "Praise God! Sister Jesse's mamograhm came back negative!"

- "Potluck dinner: prayer and medication to follow."

- "Pastor John spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation."

- "Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help!"

- "The congregation will be led in sinning and bible study."

- "The Peacemakers for Christ meeting has been cancelled today due to a conflict."

- "Today at 4 pm, there will be our monthly ice cream social; all ladies providing milk
please come early."

- "Next Thursday will be tryouts for the choir. Brethren, they need all the help they
can get."


PRAYER BLOOPERS

- "Dear Lord, we pray that if any soul has been given your divine spark of salvation
this morning, that you will water that spark."

- "Brethren, let us play."

- "Our Father in heaven, bless this fruit of the loom."

- "Dear God, we thank you, Lord for all you've done. Bye. Bye."


THE STUPIDEST CHURCH SIGN LOGOS

- "Jesus hurts that he may heal."

THE STUPIDEST SERMON ANALOGIES
(yes, these are real! I heard them all myself.)

- "God is like Shamu at Seaworld who goes underwater and comes back again to
bring us salvation."

- "When the groundskeeper piled all those stones into his work truck and drove
them off, it was like Jesus who puts stones in our fields of creation that we have to
move and hall away."

- "Got God?"

- "Jesus is the center-piece of our lives, sort of like the mouthpiece on a trumpet.
You can't play the trumpet without the mouthpiece, only Jesus doesn't get wet with
saliva, and isn't on an instrument."

- "Jesus is like a dollar bill: he shouldn't be torn in half."

- "God is outside of the five senses, so he can't be seen, but Jesus came in the
flesh, so he could be touched, and even smelled."


THE STUPIDEST TESTIMONIES

"I knew that the Lord was with me when I prayed over my dying chicken, and
suddenly, his left eye was restored as whole as the other! Praise Jesus!"
- Jan Crouch, TBN, 2000

"The moment I heard the words of Jesus on this broadcast, my heart started
palpitating less."
- Benny Hinn Testimonial, TBN, 2003


THE STUPIDEST SCHOLAR STATEMENTS

"The pope is always infallible except when he makes a mistake."
- Catholic Answer Box, 1964.

"The body of Jesus was not raised literally from the grave, he was figuratively
raised...perhaps the original dead body was laid down to rot under a tree
somewhere."
- Jehovah's Witness Bible Tract, "The
Resurrection of Jesus," 1995.

Oh, and check this out, HOW TO START YOUR OWN RELIGION
(off site)

And now for my pick of the Top Five Most Blasphemous Websites;

www.churchofthesacredswine.com
Truth is, this pig god makes almost more since than the one of the Abrahamic
religions.

www.datejesus.com
Ladies, Jesus is available!

First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis
Introducing...The King!

WWJD: What would Judas do?
Now there's someone to admire!

Adult Christianity
Yeah, baby!

And here's MY PICK OF THE TOP FIVE STUPIDEST
RELIGIOUS WEBSITES;

#1) Peter Pan Ministries
This guy is sick!

#2) Digibless
Anyone need their resumes or files blessed?

#3) Runestone
And you thought Thor and Odin worship
only went on in silly games like Vice City!

#4) Kids in Combat
Scary in a brainwashing sort of way!

#5) The Power Team
Great! Breaking bricks, lifting weights, and
bending pipes for God!